I just talked to Kristin right before "lunch." I use that term loosely these days because I'm not really hungry for anything. I no longer crave anything. I'm simply looking at food as fuel. It's almost like a chore...one that I don't like to do...like putting laundry away. Kristin said she hit her wall a few days ago. I hit mine today. But, we both realized that in years past, we hit our walls MUCH earlier. I don't know what that says about us or fasting or God, but it was easy...until today.
I made my fruit smoothie, drank an energy drink...okay, I had two...and a LOT of water this morning. I went to practice Ashtanga, and I felt dizzy...weak...which is weird because I ACCIDENTALLY pulled myself into a handstand from down dog. Do weak people do that? Apparently. My point is that I FELT weak, shaky, dizzy. After my practice, I hit up Luna's Living Kitchen. I know everyone there by name at this point. They know what I order. We're BFF's. Anyhow, I ordered a couple "Volcano Juices" to go. They really do make me feel better and more energetic. I ran down to volunteer in Darby's art class and stayed for "lunch." Then, I ran to Walmart to get stuff to make burgers tonight for everyone else. It's a full-blown GORGEOUS CAROLINA DAY...the kind you grill out and sit on the screened in porch drinking sweet tea or wine or both...that kind of day. I ate a few spoonfuls of Peanut Butter and honey, and then pan fried some tofu. By "pan fried," I mean I burned it...and then I ate it. "Tofu chips." Yum.
In the process of cleaning up after my tofu disaster, I came face-to-face with my own pride. I actually thought, "Man, I'm really relating to Jesus right now when He was on the cross and said, 'I am thirsty', but...obviously I would have said, 'I'm hungry.'" (She shakes her head at herself.) As if my hunger could, in any way, relate to Jesus's experience on the cross. However, after wanting to punch myself in the face for thinking that, I was reminded of a verse:
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." ~Matthew 5: 6
PHEW!
I was "off the hook" for putting myself up on that cross with Jesus.
...until I asked myself...
"Is that really what I'm doing here? Am I hungering and thirsting for righteousness? What is this fast really about? What work am I really trying to accomplish in this?"
It's hard going face-to-face with yourself in the boxing ring.
Answer: "I don't know."
Year 1, I felt like God called me into this fast. I did it to obey.
Year 2, I did it because I wanted to challenge myself during Lent, and after Year 1, I thought, "What else could possibly challenge me the way that fast did? Anything else would seem a small feat. My God is BIG. I should fast...BIG."
Year 3, I was angry with God. I obeyed in my anger, but got MORE angry and quit my fast. It was not drawing me into Communion with God. My Year 3 fast was not an offering. I was in it, but I was kicking and screaming in it. I needed to work through some things first. I pulled out of the fast after two weeks.
This year, I felt like I was slowly becoming one of those "lukewarm Christians"...the kind that Revelation warns us about. I needed to draw in, to come closer, to focus, and that's exactly what I've done. But, have I been hungering for righteousness...thirsting for it? Gulp. No. Romans 1: 17 says, "The righteous will live by faith." Am I hungering to live by faith? NO! Living by faith is scary! Living by faith requires a fearless "pressing in," a knowledge that God WILL come through when push comes to shove! Am I living like THAT? Am I living hoping to PROVE to the world how BIG my God is? Am I asking Him to lead me out into the deep waters where faith is born? NO! Do I WANT righteousness? YES. Am I hungry to go through what those we call righteous have BEEN through in order to become righteous? HUNGRY...for it?
Gut check.
I.
am.
not.
Brutal honesty here:
I'm afraid to hunger for righteousness.
I'm afraid to thirst for it.
I afraid to ask for faith.
Grace and Peace~
Kelly
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