Kristin's Day 29 - When will this end?

I've been relentlessly bugging Kelly about when we'll end this fast. Since about day 3. We started on Ash Wednesday this year instead of waiting until 40 days before Easter. Lent is 47 days. I needed to know if we were gonna do Lent or 40 days. We decided to think about it, but I got itchy on the inside needing to know what we were gonna do!

I'm the kind of person that needs a deadline. A goal. A plan. Order. A known end. You?

It is VERY hard for me to take on just about anything in life without knowing details, the plan, dates, timelines and etc.

Let me explain, starting with the big stuff...
College? A prescribed program gave me what I needed to know to earn two degrees
Marriage? Andy and I met, dated, got engaged, and married within 1.5 yrs! The rest is for life.
Job? Andy and I decided that when I got pregnant, I would stop teaching full-time
Kids? They grow one year older every year and with each year comes a bunch of milestones
Ministry? (this one is a bit more flexible) - For awhile we thought we were going out of the country to do missions, but God made it clear that we were to stay here indefinitely for WASHS Young Life last summer.

Each area has structure to some extent - we build plans based off of that structure. It's awesome.

Day to Day...
Poor Andy. I need him to tell me when he's gonna be home from work, games, working out, and etc. Please understand. I have no trust issues WHATSOEVER. However, I need to know when reinforcements will arrive to help with the kids. I need that in order to survive the day.

Subbing at the high school is easy - the whole day is on a schedule that I receive as soon as I walk in. I know when breaks will be. I can pace myself mentally with this in mind.

This fast. No end goal was firmly decided until Monday. This completely messed with my head while we were undecided. I kept texting Kelly about it. She was probably annoyed that I couldn't let it go.

What Kelly wanted to say...I'm sure.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? Why can't I just be ok with uncertainty in life?

Believe me. I am getting better since my college days. I remember pulling a double shift at McDonald's and having a panic attack (full on, fainted, had trouble breathing) because things were not going as planned. Stress immediately took over and I crumbled.

Now, if things do not go according to plan, I get edgy - snippety - emotional - on the verge of a mental breakdown until order is resumed. Micah is pushing on this boundary and I'm responding by putting up gates and locking drawers to keep him confined!! Thankfully, panic attacks have subsided, but I still need growth in this area of my life. God is not done this work in me.

How about you? Are you a happy go lucky kinda person or do you need structure and order like me?

At first we decided to end at 40 days and Kelly put in that if she didn't feel released she would continue without me. I was fine with that, but I'm going to visit Kelly on April 2nd or 3rd. I just kept getting this notion that we should end this fast together with a time of prayer when I got down there.

So friends, this fast will end April 2nd or 3rd (depending on Andy's work schedule). An end is set. I am excited to end it with Kelly. Hand in hand, praying and sealing this holy discipline together.