I'm an idiot.
There.
All eight of you who are reading this are right.
I just got home from yoga. As I "set my intention" at the beginning of class, I asked God, "Who am I?" I seem to have lost sight of that. I seem to have lost myself. Who AM I if I don't have 120 of my closest high school friends in my house every Tuesday? Who AM I if I don't know people every where I go? Who AM I when my phone isn't ringing off the hook...or ringing at all?
I immediately received my answer:
"You are my beloved child."
...but I'm still an idiot. Know why? THIS IS WHY:
In this fast, I have INVITED God to refine me.
I (the silver) THREW MYSELF into the Refiner's fire!
WHO DOES THAT?!
(I mean, besides Kristin)
WHO?!
Read Psalm 66: 10 real quick:
"He trained us first, passed us like silver through refining fires, Brought us into hardscrabble country, pushed us to our very limit, road-tested us inside and out, took us to hell and back; finally he brought us to this well-watered place."
Shall we break this down?
He trained us~Think preseason two-a-days, folks. You're sore. You're EXHAUSTED. You HATE YOUR COACH! You curse your life, the sun for rising, the moon for setting, your mom for ever involving you in sports to begin with, your dog for needing to be fed. Pain.
passed us like silver...through fires~I like silver. It's pretty! Shiny! ...when it's FINISHED. As long as I don't have to BE the silver (I prefer to wear it). As long as I don't have to touch it or look at it when it's IN THE PROCESS of being refined.
brought us into hardscrabble country~What is this, the Wild West? I mean, I'm no Annie Oakley, but I've got a pioneer spirit and ALL of the Pioneer Woman cookbooks, but when it comes down to it, do I WANT to have to LIVE in this "hardscrabble country"? Answer: NO. Wild BOARS live in "hardscrabble country", and I have a scary story about them!
pushed us to our very limit~Ever been pushed to your very limit? I HAVE. I hiked 43 miles of the Appalachian Trail in ONE DAY. My hip. My foot. I lost three toenails because of that hike. I had a blister that encapsulated the entire front half of my foot (that is, in no way, an exaggeration). It wasn't fun. I would consider doing a similar hike one day, but not in 16 hours, and not with three men~one who is at least 8 inches taller than me.
road-tested us~Three words: CRASH. TEST. DUMMIES.
hell and back~Hell? NO THANKS!
FINALLY~I think I said that after we made it back to our car after our 43 miles hike and went to pick up "The Man" (who was half naked and projectile vomiting) and "The Tall Guy" (whose feet both had skin hanging off of them) only to find out that *I* would be driving these three men home.
he brought us to this well-watered place~THAT is a LOT of PAINFUL stuff we will have to endure in order to make it to that "WELL WATERED PLACE."
So, you see?
I AM an idiot.
I INVITED all this back in!
WHY?!
To get to the "well-watered place."
(I truly wanted to give an homage to the new Cadillac commercial right there by saying, "Because I'm a crazy, driven, hard workin' believer, that's why!" I'll refrain for now)
I talked to Kristin this afternoon. This afternoon I was feeling good. This afternoon, I ACTUALLY found myself thinking I could eat like this forever! HAHA! I'm delusional. OBVIOUSLY.
Breakfast: Apple
Lunch: Large order of Chick-Fil-A fries, a can of Amy's Organic Lentil Soup, some tortilla chips
Snack: More chips. Orange Juice (seeing a pattern here?)
Dinner: An avocado with salt, half a bag of Tortilla Chips (I WISH I could say it was a regular sized bag, but it was a party size bag, brother. A PARTY SIZE BAG), and a cup of orange juice.
Then, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" had a stomachache...and probably high cholesterol.
THEN "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" went to...YOGA?
Bad.
Life.
Decision.
AND...
...I've come full circle because, you see...
...I'm still an idiot.
...an idiot who is a dearly beloved child of God.
Amen.
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