Hey All.
It's been awhile.
...like, three years.
I'm still experiencing some food grief from that last fast.
To be truthful, I TRIED to fast like that again once.
I lasted roughly 20 days with a few cheats in there.
...then I quit.
...then Kristin got preggers, and I didn't have a "fast partner."
...and then I got mad at God.
...really mad.
...for a year.
(gasp)
I'm only saying it out loud. The Lord God looks at the heart. He already knew it. He knew I was mad. I just confessed it. He never let go...even when I wanted to. Let me explain...
My husband and I moved to this little "one horse town" in Pennsylvania in 2006. I didn't fit in there. I felt "extravagant" there. I needed a Target...a Starbucks...a mall. I had none of the above. Still, I KNEW that God had us move there. I had never been so convinced of God's will in my life before. Even though I could barely stand that little "one horse town" and felt like I didn't fit in, I was entirely committed to it because I knew God sent us there.
Flash forward to 2010 when our adoption began...I stepped back from the ministry that we were involved in, but I was in peace about it. Around about this time, I started to see this sweet little farm town for what it was...a hidden gem: A little bitty hidden town with a beautiful mountain range with a view that would take your breath away, a soccer complex with plush, green grass~"The Hills are Alive...Sound of Music...top of the Alps spinning in your play dress-apron flapping in the wind...grass", my favorite 5 mile running loop, my house where I could hear the cheers for the home team on a clear Friday night, that McDonalds that couldn't quite get that "fast food" idea down, the mentally disabled bagger at Martins who told me about her twin niece and nephew every time I went through...kinda town. Time went by, and it was already 2013. This military brat had lived in this little farm town longer than I had lived anywhere in my entire life. Somehow, this little blue collar town had won over my heart. The people of this town had welcomed me with open arms into their very family. I was FINALLY "FROM" somewhere...until my husband came home from work last January.
"They gave me Kings Mountain."
"Where's that?"
"North Carolina."
I'm not sure I've ever mourned something so fiercely for so long in my life. I've moved my entire life...every 3-4 years. I'm a seasoned veteran "mover." I HAVE NO ROOTS...or, I HAD no roots, until I claimed residence in that sweet little farm town with the "salt of the earth" people. I had made friends who I considered at least as close as family. I had community, a brotherhood and sisterhood of believers, people I could call on-who could call on me. And, it wasn't just because they were my friends. That is JUST how that town is; it is truly in the heartbeat of the people FROM that town. It is part of the culture there. It is who they are. God plucked me out.
Three months later, we were gone.
Three months later, we had a new "home town." If you google our new town, it looks amazing. First of all, it's a lake town, and who doesn't love that idea? The home values never went down, because it's a lake town AND it's a suburb of Charlotte, NC and all the big city has to offer! The schools? The best in SC! As in, all the children in grades 1-8 will be issued ipads next schoolyear, great. My son's new soccer complex? They hosted the youth national soccer tournament in 2012. All the fields have lights. Two turf fields with stadium seating. Professional (British) coaching staff. I began Stand Up Paddleboarding. We go kayaking. We hike to waterfalls. We have season passes to the Biltmore. It has only snowed once this winter. Our church? Amazing. You know, all the stuff you post on Facebook that looks amazing? We've got it here. I've lived here almost a year. I have a handful of friends (mainly from church) who are scattered about Metrolina. I've never been more lonely.
My anger toward God for plucking me out of my little farm town has been bitter. This move has been bitter. I want to move back. I want my old friends. I want my comfortable town. I want my old church, my old bible study, my old neighborhood, our old schools. If I'm being brutally honest, and I'm going to be...I want out of here.
On top of this, we just passed through year three of going through this process called adoption. I can't even go there right now. Surely we're almost done. Surely.
In all of this, I feel like God has been reminding me that "Obedience is greater than Sacrifice." I hope so, because Obedience is ALL...I...HAVE...LEFT. Even so, I will also offer my "sacrifice."
Do I WANT to do this fast again?
AB-so-lute-ly NOT.
In fact, I have been dreading "start day" all week.
Start day is tomorrow, March 1st.
You know what I've had to eat today?
The normal stuff, AND two (large) bags of Cadbury mini eggs, Starbucks, pretzels...shoot. I was eating, and I wasn't even hungry. I was eating just because I COULD still eat these things.
I will call this day "Fat Friday."
My "Sacrifice," my "Offering" will begin tomorrow.
I'll tell you about my phone call to Kristin suggesting this fast another day.
It ended with her telling me she hates me.
I told her I hated her, too.
Don't you worry.
We actually love each other like sisters.
...but we weren't really kidding.
I'm not very happy with her for prodding me to follow this call-even when I told her that not a single part of me wants to do this again. I know she loves me because she heard what I was telling her, and she STILL said that I should fast out of obedience, and to "draw near to God." I agree. I need to draw near.
I'm still mad at Him.
Obedience.
I don't want to fast.
Obedience.
I like birthday cake, and my husband AND my own birthdays are in March.
There will be no cake this year.
No frosting.
No ice cream.
No Starbucks.
No nice dinner.
Obedience.
You can go ahead and judge my anger toward God, and if I'm being real, my husband. I know I have NO right to be angry with the Almighty. I know He has a lot of work to do in my in these next 40 days.
A LOT.
I'm hoping that He will honor my obedience and do such an amazingly huge work in me that I will come out on the other side of this a NEW CREATION...AGAIN.
So, out of obedience, I will (again) give up all foods excepting:
fruits
vegetables
beans
nuts
This is NOT a diet.
This is NOT "The Daniel Fast."
For me, this IS NOT and WILL NOT turn into "Kelly's Daily Organic Lesson."
But, rather, will hopefully be "Kelly's Daily Faith Lesson."
This IS extreme.
This WILL BE painful.
I WILL BE as transparent as possible.
I WILL obey.
Grace and Peace be yours in abundance~
~Kelly
No comments:
Post a Comment