Kelly's Post: 3 things I am scared to pray.

I am scared to pray for three things (FEAR-So holy, right?):

1~Patience. When you pray for patience, you DON'T GET PATIENCE! You get things that will MAKE YOU PATIENT.

2~Faith. When you pray for faith, you DON'T GET FAITH! You get things that will develop your faith.

3~That God would search me. Let me explain...

Psalm 139: 23, 24 says,

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

See, If I ASK God to search my heart, I already know what He'll find. He'll find the "stuff" I HIDE. You know, that stuff you sweep under the bed or hide in the closet or the back corner of your soul where the dusty filth dwells? It's like the top shelf of your display cabinet. NO ONE SEES THAT SHELF! WHY DUST? It still LOOKS pretty! THAT stuff. 

If I ASK God to see if there is any offensive way in me, I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HE'LL FIND! 

 ISN'T THAT ENOUGH? 

CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT? 

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO GO THERE?

DO WE HAVE TO REMOVE THAT UGLY MESS?

I'M PRETENDING IT ISN'T THERE, AND I'M PRETTY GOOD AT IT!

IT ONLY COMES OUT AT HOME WHERE NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE IT! 

He'll find:

Hate.

Impatience.

Greed.

Lust.

Envy.

Lack of Self Control.

Gossip.

Slander.

Indifference.

Do I need to lay it ALL out right here? 

I wish I was bold enough to pray that, but I know what He'd find, and that He and I would have to do the work to clean all that junk, and I HATE DUSTING. Can I just hire a cleaning service? I don't necessarily like the whole "soul work" thing. UGH. The problem is that I KNOW He already sees all this stuff! I just don't want to INVITE Him to SEARCH IT OUT! 

THAT IS WRETCHED.

I'm holy like that.

Wow.

I'm even disgusted with MYSELF as I type that out.

Typing that out for all 12 of you to read is hard. I guess you can call this more of a confession. And, I'm NOT asking anyone to hold me accountable to "do the work" with God. I'm actually hoping that He is not reading this blog post.  As if.

Anyhow, that's what's been going on the last few days.